So, it’s been nearly year since my estrangement.
And I still have don’t have anywhere I call home, and if I’m perfectly honest I haven’t felt like I’ve had a home since I was 13, I’m 21 now, though the closest to home I’ve ever felt is in a loved one’s arms.
I feel I may never find a place I can call home.
When I was sofa surfing I was studying a pre-degree foundation in art, design and media and trying to get into university. I found a an shared accommodation and somehow managed to pass college and get accepted into University of Southampton. Now I’m studying a BA(hons) Fine Art course at Winchester School of Art.
I managed to get early accommodation at the halls in Winchester and my contract runs out in July.
Currently I have no job, I get student finance that covers my rent and barely covers my living costs, I’m in debt and overdrawn. I can’t afford to see my friends, thus losing contact with them. I’m failing in my course I don’t connect with my peers and rarely show up to classes. I mostly only see and talk to my boyfriend.
I have mood swings, I’m depressed, anxious, stressed, isolated, and very cold and bitter. This makes me physically ill, resulting in more absences at university. I have so much on my mind I don’t know what to do, or where to begin, so I don’t do anything, and continue to fail and spiral into depression.
Within the year I’ve had some of the best and worst times of my life, and most amazing life lessons.
What I’ve learnt:-
- In times of hardship your real friends will be there. I lost a lot of friends but I cherish and love even more so now the one’s who supported me and helped me, and are still in contact with me today, even if it’s just once every blue moon. As I feel they are my family now.
- To always remember you could be a lot worse off, if you’re alive, eating, drinking and have someone to talk to you will get through this and things do get better.
- Your partner (if you have one, luckily I do) if he/she truly loves you will do anything and everything in their power to keep you safe, make sure your okay and healthy. Mine stayed with me through all my bullshit, he experienced the bullshit with me and even coped with my ugly side.
- Never stop believing in yourself. Because whether you’re alone or with someone, you cannot get by or do anything to help yourself if you do not believe in you, your potential, your power. I didn’t realise what I was capable of until put in the situation of no home, no money, no-one but me. I had to be strong, and when I wasn’t strong everything around came crashing down, things weren’t getting better then I made myself stronger and I got a roof over my head, I passed college, I got into university. If you give up on you, so will everyone around you.
Although I’m failing now, and I’m lonely if I just remember a time I was strong and build up the strength and courage to be happy and strong again I’m sure I can figure my issues out, I know it takes time, and it’s hard, it’s really hard, but I’m going to give it my best shot because I’m stronger than this.
The reason why I titled this ‘Constellations’ is because Enter Shikari created a song named this and well, it shocked me as the day I was kicked out, my boyfriend’s parents let me crash at his I had to take the train and the story told, the thoughts and feelings expressed in the song are exactly what I was feeling and thinking and doing. I find it strangely wonderful how this song and my experience of that day are so alike. I will never forget how this song makes me cherish my friends, have never-ending love for my boyfriend and realise how strong I am.
Here’s the song and the lyrics -
Packing the last few shirts into a bloated suitcase,
The last glimpse of comfort and the ticking clock face,
I swear those hands move faster everyday,
I’m more confused than ever but I don’t beg or prey ‘cause the
Sparkling light from the morning sun,
Is all we should need to feel one.
I reach the station with just minutes to spare,
I glance and my watch time’s going faster these days I swear.
Eyes focus up now to the train time table board
There’s only two platforms to be explored,
And it’s then that I admit it to my self,
That I am lost so lost, but you’re the constellations, that guide me.
There’s a train at 12, destination disaster,
It’s running on time as time runs faster,
On platform two it’s destination sustainability
It’s delayed though it was suppose to arrive at 11:50,
Platform one it says stand behind the yellow line,
But I sit on the platform edge and just gaze at the time.
My mind wanders back to our oblivious existence,
I’m all choked up now with the threat of distance,
As the train bound for disaster chokes up to the station,
I don’t board it cause I decide that it’s the wrong destination,
But the train bound for sustainability is nowhere to be seen,
And I’m lost! So lost!
Where are the constellations, that guide me
And then I realise that,
We need to use our own two fee to walk these tracks!
And we have to squad up and we have to watch each others backs!
With forgiveness as our torch and imagination our sword!
We’ll unite the ropes of hate and slash open the minds of the bored!
And we’ll start a world so equal and free!
Every inch of this earth is yours all the land and all the sea!
Imagine no restrictions but the climate and the weather!
Then we can explore space together! Forever!